Currently listening to this album and reading Nitsuh Abebe’s review, which was brilliant.
This is so well put. I know I used this album, when I was a teenager, to sort of punctuate experiences that I had big, messy feelings about for no reason I could articulate. Stupid, meaningless breakup of a week-long “relationship”? Someone I liked not liking me back? Put on Disintegration, and instead of just being silly high-school drama, I got to listen through this Romantic lens that made all of it mean something.
I coud see some corollary theory where Joy Division’s Closer is Disintegration's black swan, the album you put on during the same period of your life to convince yourself that everything you're feeling is meaningless and futile.
It was the first year.
I came out covered in black placenta.
My fingers smelled all “middle school locker room”/
“thimbles full of star anise”.
They also came lacquered in that sweet lack of light.
My fingers. Not the lockers or the years.
A nurse turned to Mother and said,
SOME JUST HAVE A SAD DISPOSITION
and left the room with a cross throbbing
across the red of her swan hat. I did not cry
when the latex hand smacked. I exhaled fog.
Father was off in the corner reading Lovecraft,
slurping hospital coffee. Strangers bled loudly.
Outside the E.R. a hearse loaded bodies
from basement to djinni bottle dimensions.
The young man who drove the car turned on the radio.
A Bauhaus song played.
Someone on the air said my name.